good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
