my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
