God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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