mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
