Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
