I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
