just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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