Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
