I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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