I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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