yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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