Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
