The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
