the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
