I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
