I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize