...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
