and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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