i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
