I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
