He told me they were just razor bumps!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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