I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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