Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
