I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
