is wine microwaveable?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
