life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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