The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
