So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
