hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Randomize
