It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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