I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
