Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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