something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
