Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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