I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
