The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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