I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
