Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
