If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
