why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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