$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
