i already hear my dad disowning me
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
