i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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