I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
