Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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