You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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