if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
