You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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