I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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