I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
sarcasm needs its own font
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
