Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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