2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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