Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize