there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize