she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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