i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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