Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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