I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
