I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
