Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
