i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
